Erotic Friendships.

Sometimes when working with clients they might share challenges about their current relationship structures and agreements. Folks might name they’re feeling in a bind - where the structure they have slid into (or consciously chosen) doesn’t reflect their values or where they wish to go in their own lives, or their dynamics with their partners.

Certainly I relate - the ‘pre-fab’ relationship structures we’re offered often won’t be just the right fit. While in my own questions about how to cultivate relationships that have the potential to offer both safety and stability while also being committed to erotic freedom, my colleague and friend Caffyn Jesse introduced me to some writing they’ve done on erotic friendships. I’d love to share it with you, in hopes it might offer a seed of inspiration to guide you towards more of what you want for you and your loves.

Erotic Friendship - Caffyn Jesse

Love, joy, passion, tenderness, the exchange of fluids without the assignment of roles, pleasure without possession – the concept and practice of “erotic friendship” is a way to explore love and eros that thrills me. I won’t want to dive deep with another, without a paradigm for relationship that welcomes and cherishes the great holy wild we are. Wild means undomesticated, impatient of restraint, fierce, crazy, eager with desire, free. Wildness is life energy, the intricate wisdom of natural systems, instinct, anima (breath, soul). Call it what you will, it calls us - out and away from domestic spheres and human settlements, into the forest, down to the water, up the mountain.

In finding and forging connection with lovers and others, I have invented and practiced a form of loving relationship I call “erotic friendship.” When we meet as friends, walls around us and inside us open. What matters now? I / Thou. Friends make space for each other, and it is space where we can be all we are becoming. This love that unfolds in a frame where we can listen to our wild hearts, find full voice to sing with, stretch our wings. “Family” is a word derived from the Latin famulus, meaning “servant.” The word connotes obedience. The word “friendship” evolves from the Anglo-Saxon freond, meaning “love.”

Friendship is a space of ongoing attunement. An erotic friendship can start and stay small, or it can unfold its more and more with a wild and joyful magic. There is space here to soar, dive, and journey dark and deep -- into the wildness of the world.

*Learn more about Caffyn Jesse’s work here.

What is Ecosexuality?

Ecosexuality is a belief system of relating to the world around us and the planet as a lover. Also called sexecology, it was coined by Annie Sprinkle and Elizabeth Stephens. Frankly I don’t resonate with the word ecosexual, however, I deeply resonate with the philosophy.

For me the joy of ecosexuality is about the joy of connecting with erotic aliveness beyond human connections. It’s the joy of being able to witness and savour the *infinite* experiences of aliveness, pleasure, and eros that are ever present every time I smell a ripe peach, or go for a walk, or watch the tides come in, or stroke fresh herbs.

My history in the world has included a lot of feelings and beliefs of scarcity, aloneness, and disconnection… Tuning into the world around me as a web of aliveness that I can connect with as an interdependent lover has created so many opportunities to question and re-write my old stories, and notice the abundance of connection and eroticism that’s available to me at any time.

How does this philosophy feel in your body? Are you hot for the feeling of summer sun on your skin? The feeling of cold lake water touching your genitals? The taste of fresh in-season fruit? The smell of cedar? Is there anything erotic about sensory experiences like these for you?

Pleasure is Not a Reward.

When you’re in your pleasure (and I mean pleasure from spicy play to afternoon snacks) are you able to slow down just a little bit more, and see what you notice about your experience?

Many of us rush through pleasure or ignore it because of social conditioning, shame, or a belief that there is more or better pleasure in the future.

But! Is this true?

Slowing down, tuning into the senses, and asking the question ‘what’s feeling good *right now*’ can be powerful.

Pleasure is not out of reach. Its not a reward. It’s not meant to be rationed. Pleasure is available in a myriad of ways in any given moment and is abundantly available.

Welcoming greater pleasure is a practice of noticing how pleasure is available *right now*.

Your Sexuality is Yours.

Remember: your sexuality is centred in your relationship with yourself.

Your sexuality is yours alone, even if you choose to share it with other people. Since it is yours, be sure to give priority to your own experiences of pleasure. When you prioritize your own experiences and explorations of pleasure, there is amazing potential for self care and erotic growth, which is a rich learning landscape that can help you figure out what to ask for from others.

When you cultivate a self-loving and sexy relationship with yourself you are practicing connecting with the many facets of who you are...

• Your fantasies

• your body

• your gender(s)

• your desires

• your energy

• your spirit

This is more than exploring different ways to touch your bits.

This becomes a way to more deeply explore and integrate your whole sexual and erotic self into your life.

This becomes a way to unlearn cultural sexual scrips and turn towards and follow your own authentic pleasure.

This becomes a way to develop clarity about what relationships, people, and practices will nurture your erotic soul.

Choosing a Sex Positive Life.

Having a sex positive life means actively committing to practicing the strengths & skills that reflect the life you want for yourself. Some questions to consider:

• what kinds of support / skills would help you feel more connected to your desire/eroticism/kink/embodiment?

• how do you connect to affirming media/communities/people?

• who is on your sexual solidarity team? Who will be by your side when things are challenging or when you want to celebrate your sexual growth / experiences?

• what are the contexts when you feel sexy, attractive, seen, heard, or most like yourself?

Getting clear on what nourishes you sexually is needed so you can say ‘yes!’ to *more* of what connects you, turns you on, feels pleasurable, and satisfies you.

Summer Joy!

I just CANNOT get enough of the summer! Sun. Flowers. Fresh food. Swimming. Birdsong. Open windows…

Choosing to look for the daily gifts of life might be challenging. But slowing, noticing and savouring these gifts is a change making practice.

Negativity bias dictates that we’re really great at noticing and fixating on challenges we face. And, we can choose to ease & complicate that bias by intentionally practicing noticing what is feeling pleasurable and joyful. We’re literally *changing our minds* when we notice our habitual patterns that deepen our experiences of suffering and instead make small & simple & different choices about how we think and act.

After all - what we pay attention to grows. When we fixate on our pain, it will grow. When we fixate on our pleasure, it will grow. This is a core teaching of neuroplastic change.

What are the daily gifts of life for you these days? From your morning cup of coffee to your dog walks to the smell of your neighbour’s flowers… what’s bringing you joy?!

Pleasure: Medicine of Joy & Nourishment.

Pleasure is a powerful medicine & resource that is internally generated, freely available and abundantly renewable.

Don’t let capitalism or systems and institutions of power convince you otherwise.

Many of us may not have practice noticing and *feeling* the joy and pleasure in daily life. That’s okay! We can begin in any moment.

As we welcome and tune into pleasure - the gifts of sweet backrubs, birdsong, warm baths, dogwalks - we expand our capacity for peace, joy and resilience.

We deepen our capacity to be present and connected with the sacred and sensual gifts of life.

And when the pains of life present themselves we have a simple yet powerful practice to help us balance our experience and stay our course.

The Muddy Waters of Consent.

Do you ever find yourself in muddy or murky situations when it comes to consent? I'm not talking about big transgressions where there are serious examples of exploitation, bulldozing, martyrdom, or enduring... I'm talking about the hazy moments that show up in daily life where something's not quite feeling right.

• Perhaps you've assumed a willingness that may or may not actaully be there.

• Perhaps you're not saying no... and not saying yes either.

• Or you're saying yes when you don't mean it.

• Perhaps you're not quite willing to do something... but haven't said no.

• Or you've stayed silent.

• Perhaps you've assumed or coerced consent.

I've been on both sides of all of these dynamics many times. As have many of my clients, friends, family, and lovers.

Consent and power is a real and impactful part of our lives. Choosing to explore these topics can be a powerful way to heal and gain clarity. Not only about our own lives, pasts, and choices, but also about the cultural and systemic contexts we find ourselves in. And, as we choose to strengthen our connection with our rights & responsibilities, our ability to connect with ourselves and with others deepens.

Pleasure Your Gender!

We experience gender so many ways - through our fantasies, the clothing that we wear, the way that we present (and possibly alter) our bodies, our personalities, how we have sex with ourselves or others, how we create, play, storytell… and oh so much more.

I like to think of gender as the ‘art and storytelling of the soul’.

Sometimes we might find ourselves on autopilot with our genders. Perhaps because we’ve never given gender much thought, or perhaps we *have* but still find ourselves in a rut with how we understand and connect with our sense of self.

So! How might we take some time to pleasure and explore our gender(s)? Here are some ideas!:

• borrow differently gendered clothing from friends, family, and lovers and scatter them around a quiet private space. Take 20 minutes to slowly explore them (textures, colours, fit, how they make you feel), trying on whatever catches your curiosity.

• go to a public place and people watch: how are people gendering themselves? What would you like to try out, and what is juicy to enjoy about other people’s genders?

• choose some porn, erotica, or other sexy content that has differently gendered folks in it, and lean into fantasies and a variety of differently gendered experiences - what shows up when you explore these fantasies in different ways?

• try a sport, art form, or other skill that brings out different energies or qualities of yourself: what’s pleasurable about this different type of embodiment?

Remember!

Gender is a galaxy, and there is no rule saying you have to stay on one planet! What would happen if you embraced an inner explorer (at the pace that feels right for you!) and visited other planets - perhaps in your imagination, or for a quick stop, or for a longer and luxurious visit?

You’re at choice with your gender adventures! Some ways we like to embody our genders might be just for ourselves, or only shared with a select few people. Other ways we enjoy our genders might be *only* when *everyone* gets to see! And everything in between!

You can change your mind! Have you realized there’s a gender within yourself that doesn’t align with the way you’ve understood your gender to date? How fun! What are some ways to let this new part of you get some pleasure, joy, and time to shine?

Our genders are an important quality of what makes each of us feel seen, delicious, connected, and powerful. It’s worth taking the time to give your gender some TLC and pleasure!

Wanting Sex or Enjoying Sex?

Would you rather want to *want* more sex, or *enjoy* sex more?

Our culture is centred around the idea of ‘spontaneous desire’ - the kind of desire that hits like a lightning bolt, full of need and drive.

While sometimes this type of desire may show up, or for some of us may be the primary way we feel desire, it’s not the whole story.

Another important pathway to pleasure is through ‘responsive desire’ - this is the kind of desire where something juicy starts happening and *then* feelings of pleasure and enjoyment arrive.

Often when we’re feeling the effects of low libido or disinterest in sex the ‘solution’ feels like trying to make more spontaneous desire happen (which is hella hard/impossible).

One other really great (and much more achievable) path towards expanding feelings of arousal is by creating the context for responsive desire to arrive.

This is all about amplifying turn-ons (and I mean this word reaaaallly broadly) and addressing turn-offs.

Within somatic sex education we practice the tools and skills to expand pleasure, openness, and create more *context* to erotically enliven and follow pleasure, while also addressing the things that limit our feelings of arousal.

A big thank you to Emily Nagoski for these learnings.

Healing Landscapes.

I just got off the phone with a dear friend who lives in Hamilton Ontario. During our conversation I shared that I find Hamilton to be quite a deeply healing and special place. Playfully she asked to learn more, since that is not a common reputation for a city more likely to be personified as a working class steel town that’s down on its luck (while simultaneously becoming the newest suburb of Toronto).

Back in 2019 I had an unexpected and transformative somatic experience of sexual healing while visiting BC. It wasn’t something I was planning, however, it was something that profoundly informed my being, and massively shifted my self perception, desires, and values. When I went back to my life in Ontario, I found myself destabilized and without resources and community to help me make sense of what had happened in my life.

I began fervently seeking folks who might support me in my journey. Surprisingly, they were in Hamilton. My felt sense of that city became one of an oasis - one where folks without pomp or pretence but with aligned and embodied values were living and offering their gifts. Hamilton was a place where I could visit my learning  and healing edge while being a very messy version of me. It was where I began learning about somatics, where I received the beginnings of my own work in somatic sexual healing work, and where I began to build new scaffolding for my soul.

Oftentimes there might be an idea of healing spaces and people as being ‘extra ordinary’ - of hermits living in cabins in the woods, or mystics living overseas: people and journeys that transcend the banalities and disappointments of daily life. However, as I sit with what has truly mattered and what has truly made a difference for me, it was imperfect and ordinary people in imperfect and ordinary places. I’m really appreciating the deep reminding that healing happens where we are, with those we find ourselves in community with, and in the ways that work with the gifts and challenges of the realities of life.

Counternormative Erotic Principles.

This is an article that was recently published by my mentor, colleague, and friend Caffyn Jesse. It spoke deeply to me and powerfully illustrated many of the guiding principles and values that inform my work as a Somatic Sex Educator:

This is another reflection on what principles might distinguish my approach from those you might find with other teachers of eros and intimacy. In all my ways of work and play, I want to trouble normal and embrace the counternormative. 

When people arrive at the studio of an intimacy educator, they are often driven by the question, “How can I become more normal?” The Diagnosic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders offers an overwhelming list of s*xual pathologies, ranging from Hypoactive S*xual Desire Disorder to a variety of Hypersexual Disorders. There is even a Non-Normative Paraphilic Disorder ever-ready to pathologize anyone who longs for something outside the box. 

I see all our so-called pathologies as creative adaptations. They save our souls; they simultaneously have enormous costs. I want to invite each person I work or play with into a counternormative framework, where the inquiry can gently shift to one of “How can I become more fully me?”

Standard s*x therapy works towards normalization. Consider unintentional ejaculation – a common problem. Desensitizing creams, dissociative techniques, medications and exercises are focused on getting the person with the so-called problem to better approximate an ideal norm of PIV intercourse. Two minutes of penetrative s*x is considered a cure. Taking normalization out of the picture, we can focus on building capacity for expanded pleasure through body-based exercises and experiences. We can create counter-normative erotic space where ejaculation is welcomed and celebrated without signaling the end of a s*xual experience, and where s*xual experiences can include a wide range of physical and emotional pleasures that do not depend on having a hard c*ck. Ending unintended ejaculation is a welcome effect of this approach, but the creation of counternormative understandings is its foundation.

Common presenting issues in the realm of intimacy education include painful intercourse, low desire and anorgasmia. Often a client’s reach for healing and well-being is framed as a desire to normalize s*xual behavior and s*xual response. But all these “dysfunctions” fall away in the counternormative framework of erotic culture that celebrates non-penetrative options for erotic expression, solo s*x, erotic interactions without the orgasm imperative, and the choice to not be s*xual at all. When we don’t make our bodies' choices into dysfunctions, we get space to listen, tease, please and engage in respectful dialogue.

Whether someone is healing s*xual trauma, mending a couple relationship, exploring identity or navigating a gender transition, we can support each person on their journey to healing and well-being with a critical framework that challenges the biases, suffocating paradigms and structural inequalities held in ideal norms. We inherit a culture that specifies an ideal norm for gender, body size, s*xual expression and relationship structure, and we embody the daily and lifelong challenges of either conformity to or deviation from ideal norms. By looking critically at the regime of normal, and grounding our work and play in counternormative culture, we can offer people joyous and creative alternatives to normalization, including self-acceptance and the celebration of diversity. With a counternormative perspective, we can see that ideal norms do not emerge naturally. Our practices, identities and relationships unfold in an environment that punishes and pathologizes certain ways of being, while rewarding others. Normal is a social location that is continually produced and policed. 

Contributing to counternormative culture and dwelling in counternormative community, we co-create a crucible in which we can go on becoming truer, wilder, evermore deeply erotic versions of ourselves. When my attention is not focused on values that cluster around an average, I can better see what is rare, and find it precious. There are aspects of me and you that are unique, and no one else will do. There are extraordinary moments of life and death in which different elements interact in the creation of something new. That is the great holy wild I want for us. Those are the otherwise-unknowable ecstasies.

My Journey With Erotic Ritual.

Erotic rituals have transformed my life, and I have seen the sacred cauldron of erotic ritual transform the lives of so many others.

I began studying and working in the realm of the erotic in 2006. I loved the work I was doing, and I was good at it. I worked as a sex educator supporting folks as they learnt about how to have better sex. It was very rewarding work. I worked with people from all sorts of different life experiences, and, it was a real joy learning about the sex they were having and how to best support them in having more of the sex they longed for.

One day I met someone who offered erotic rituals, and, it piqued my interest. I decided to not think about it too much and dove into a session. And, that session was the beginning of profound spiritual and sensual embodied change for me. While in that session I was guided in how to be with my body and pleasure, and how to express my erotic energy. I felt deeply held as the complex erotic being I was. I felt my body ignite.

I couldn’t go back after that. I wanted more. This led me into a beautiful chapter of travel and adventure, where I sought out and learnt from erotic ritualists, masseuses, tantrikas, dominants, sex workers - travelling the globe in my quest. I wanted to immerse my soul in the magic that I was experiencing. I wanted to understand the science behind it. The transformative neuroscience, biology, chemistry, and spirituality of trauma recovery, sexual healing, tantra, and erotic ritual work enraptured me. This was a new realm - one of communing with the pleasures of my body and wider world in a deeply intimate way. It was a soul awakening experience.

After such a transformative journey along the winding path of reclaiming my erotic joy, it only made sense that I would become a sacred intimate - a bringer of erotic joy - for others. I have offered erotic rituals across Canada and Europe, plus to journeyers from Spain, Brazil, Lebanon, Romania, South Africa, Iran, the USA, and many more beautiful places on this planet. I have savoured every single opportunity to drop into transformative exploration with others. I treasure being an erotic ritualist and guide for those who are wishing to deepen into the erotic and immerse themselves in the pleasurable delights of ecstasy. I treasure being an educator for those who wish to practice expanding their pleasure using the sacred gifts of breath, sound, movement, touch, and imagination. And a companion for those who wish to be exquisitely held and cared for as they tend to their erotic wounds and fall back in love with life.

Connecting with bliss is a journey. Listening to our erotic souls is a skill. Communing with the Divine is a process. It’s rare to be taught these practices, yet make no mistake - they are learnable. Having travelled the path of manifesting a deeply erotic life, I delight in being in service to you and your manifestation journey.

That is why I am here.

Why Explore Healing Erotic Bodywork?

Living in this sex negative culture, we have all experienced some form of sexual trauma. We’ve been circumcised, diapered, spanked, shamed for exploring our genitals, taught to conceal our sexual urges. We’ve been programmed into narrow gendered personas that aren’t who we authentically are, and bullied when we don’t adhere to that programming. We’ve experienced unwanted sexual advancements, abuses, and assaults. We’ve experienced sexual stereotyping and violence based on our race, gender, ability, age, class. We’ve been denied access to money, housing, food, love, respect, and care if we are not compliant with the sexual expectations made of us, or, if we are deemed sexually undesirable.

While sex therapy and sex coaching exist, the magic of exploring trauma healing in organic containers that include the potential for chosen and client led erotic touch and play is that these containers include the *whole* body. The *erotic* body. The exact parts of ourselves that have been the sites of battles and wounding.

This welcoming and holding of the whole self is a sacred and deeply healing experience that cultivates lasting change. Further, it is needed. It is critical to explore trauma at it’s source - the body. We will never think or talk our way out of trauma. Trauma lives in the body, and we must meet it in the body.

Trauma Healing Is Spiritual Work.

First, a caveat: spiritual healing and growth is in the eye of the beholder. If you resist or reject the premise of having a spiritual landscape, that’s awesome! If you are in process with your own relationship with spirit and healing, read on!

When we are living with the impacts of unresolved traumatic stress in our lives, this affects our ability to navigate daily life with grace. The manifestations of traumatic stress are very individualized - maybe manifesting as chronic activation and anxiety. Or as despair and lethargy. Often as some blend of the both.

Traumatic stress usually comes about from a rupture in the relational matrix - perhaps because of a shocking experience. Perhaps because of a lack of social and systemic supports. Perhaps because of bias and bigotry. Perhaps because of childhood neglect and mistreatment. Perhaps from the literal rupturing of the boundaries of bodies and skin.

Trauma recovery is a winding path of repairing these ruptures. It’s not a one-size-fits-all journey. Often there are trends and overlap, yes, however, *your* trauma recovery journey and *my* trauma recovery journey are two very different journeys.

Certainly a key quality of trauma recovery is the welcoming home of our fractured parts and experiences. And, as we integrate, opportunity arises to notice and attend to deeper feelings of fracturing and isolation that might exist that sever ourselves as individuals from the larger relational matrix of humanity and the beyond-human-world. 

This experience of noticing and choosing to weave ourselves into the larger web of relationship is a slow and spiritual process. For myself, I’ve discovered that the landscape of the erotic is a powerful landscape within which to practice this weaving.

We can practice cultivating erotic feeling and energy (an abundant internal resource) to manifest states of excitement, bliss, connection, and creativity. Through practice we expand our capacity to feel ourselves and our aliveness more deeply. Perhaps as individuals, and, as we practice, perhaps as part of a larger web of abundant and vibrant life.

Spiritual journeying is a quality I never expected to find myself exploring in professional practice, however, having an erotic spiritual practice has become a constant companion that has made all the difference for me.

Your Pleasure Is Dangerous.

In this world is there anything more dangerous than a person that has realized that they control the means of their own pleasure production, and that pleasure is an abundant renewable resource?

Is there anything more dangerous than a person who has discovered that 'resisting temptation' is a strategy that has been taught to maintain the paradigms of colonial and capitalist and white supremacist control?

Is there anything more dangerous than a person that has learned how to cultivate and follow bliss, excitement, pleasure, and connection based off their own internal truths and wisdom, as opposed to listen to external sex negative culture?

Is there anything more dangerous than practicing exploring the tools of our bodies - our breath, sound, movement, touch, and imagination - to cultivate greater and greater erotic aliveness?

Is there anything more dangerous than pleasured bodies radiating that pleasure-full erotic aliveness into the wider world? Is there anything more threatening to current systems of power and control than speaking and acting from a place of embodied pleasure and wisdom?

Don’t underestimate the power and wisdom and truths that that are available to you through cultivating your pleasure.

Your Erotic Garden.

I recently had a lovely session clearing out my garden and planting new seeds for this upcoming season. And was reflecting on how cultivating eroticism and pleasure is like cultivating a garden. ⁠Our gardens are our right and our responsibility. Our pleasure, sexuality, eroticism, gender, relationship models, and joy practices are *ours*. ⁠

However.⁠..

As young people, the world around us was tending to our garden as we grew into ourselves. And, they might have planted some things that don't serve us in our gardens. They might have planted in sex negative education. Shaming about bodies, gender, pleasure, and sex. They might have planted the idea that other people have rights to our bodies or sexual energy.⁠ They might have planted that we are not good enough as we are to have the joy, pleasure, and sex that we are deserving of.

In fact, they might still be trying to plant more of these things into our gardens.⁠

Now, as a grown-ass gardener, the joy is in exploring what kind of garden *you* want. Because the stuff that others planted in your garden can be weeded out. You can plant and water new seeds. And you can create vision and intention for the kind of erotic garden that would nourish you.⁠

So! What kind of erotic garden do you want? What plants need to be weeded out? What plants need your protection and care? What could you do to begin cultivating the perfect erotic garden for *you*?

Many thanks to Emily Nagoski for offering this concept of the garden in her book Come As You Are. ⁠

Erotic Ritual.

I’ve facilitated a few transition rituals recently - and am feeling grief about living in a world where ritual has been sanitized and removed from the winding path of our soul’s journey.

Throughout our history we’ve cultivated ritual for many reasons - from connecting with the seasons to communing with our past or future lineages to deepening into the milestones of our journeys and relationships. And, of course, so much more. Perhaps we have used food, sacred objects, rites of challenge, the erotic, or art, dance, storytelling, and creative practices within ritual.

For me, one of the most powerful affirmations and healing ingredients that I experience in ritual process is how the messy, unknowing, emotional, liminal and chaotic is acknowledged and often centred as revered qualities the human experience. What a far cry that is from the sanitized rituals we still observe in secular culture - birthdays, holidays, graduations, etc - these hollow rituals often enforcing the systemic oppressions of capitalism and white supremacy: tendrils of perfectionism, wealth, power, and hyper individualism wrapped around birthday cakes, fancy clothing, and ‘certificates of achievement’.

Within erotic rituals, a very different story is welcome to unfold. Liminal not-knowings. Occupying non-ordinary states of consciousness. Following the winding rivers of pleasure, grief, rage, and eros. Casting a container of time away from time within which unwinding, unlearning, and unbecoming can happen. Being a body that drips, smells, bleeds, moans, wails, and shakes. 

And! Sometimes erotic rituals are pedestrian - which is also it’s own magic! Not everything has to be an extra-ordinary experience. Not everything has to be perfectly on-brand, on-point, blog-able, 14/10-would-do-again.

That said, I feel erotic rituals always touch something real. Pedestrian or ecstatic, connecting with erotic energy is connecting with life force energy, and leaning into the experience of being alive will always give the gift of wisdom.

Trauma Informed Care.

Having been immersed in trauma informed friendships, community, and work for a number of years now, it can sometimes be easy to not notice the gift I've given myself.

In my work I offer education and training about trauma informed, sex positive, LGBT positive care for allied professionals - therapists, pelvic floor specialists, naturopaths, and more. In working with these amazing folks who have such gifts to offer their fields, I often feel that mainstream trainings still have quite a way to go towards offering trauma informed care.

I do not believe that every person needs to be a trauma expert - yet, I do believe that even a basic awareness and wisdom about the impacts of systemic oppressions, historic life experiences, power, and environmental realities on clients’ bodies and nervous systems has the potential to radically shift experiences of care.

After all, often we seek out the professional support of therapists, medical professionals, and other healing professions because of traumatic experiences. When our contractions and challenges are met with regimens that don’t intersectionally understand and account for this, sometimes re-traumatization can occur.

With trauma informed care, a little trauma magic can go a long way to offering a more deeply resourcing healing environment that allows the soul and body to unwind.

To all of the folks who have learnt about trauma informed care - I applaud you! To all the folks contemplating learning about this concept of care, I applaud you! To all the folks who feel resistant or questioning - I also applaud you! Resistance and questioning is just as important an ingredient in the cauldron of this conversation - I’m so here for it all!

The Medicine Of BDSM.

When I started exploring BDSM I was young and delighted by the sexiness, mystery, and badassery of playing with sensation and power. Over the years since those initial dabblings, my relationship with BDSM has occupied many realms. Currently I feel quite discerning and careful about this kind of play for myself. I’ve deepened into a space of more fully feeling how sacred and powerful this kind of erotic journey is. Through BDSM I access a depth of awareness of how I exist in this world.  A deepened ability to feel my skin, my nervous system, my trauma, my biologic, chemical, spiritual, and psychic composition. I  expand capacity to feel and understand power and oppression in somewhat shuddering ways. This makes BDSM a powerful healing tool for myself, and, one to be handled with care. I very much feel that BDSM is a part of my soul’s apothecary, and a key resource in my wisdom journey.

Along my path I have been blessed to have learnt with and from many wise players, educators, artisans, and sex workers. And, I am now delighted to accidentally find myself occupying all of these roles for others. I am teaching a workshop on somatic trauma informed BDSM practices soon - one I’ve developed for the University of Victoria. I’m reflecting with appreciation on the winding path of my journey, and how I will be teaching much different content to the students at this workshop than what I was learning as a university student. Seeing and feeling the cultural advancement of social justice, intersectionality, and trauma informed care is a delight as I build out my offering for this workshop.

I won’t be able to weave all that I want to into this workshop, however, I feel absolutely delighted to have the opportunity to emphasize the importance of following your own body wisdom when exploring BDSM. To tune into the somatic conversation happening within in these potent experiences of power and eros. That there is a reason behind whatever your desires, preferences, and limits are being felt. And those feelings are important and needed parts of your journey with BDSM.